🕯️ The Grave-Watcher’s Lament

Beneath the moon’s unblinking eye, Where restless winds in shadows sigh, A woman stands above her stone— A soul unstitched, yet not alone. Her grave lies cold beneath her feet, Where earth and afterworlds both meet; The Reaper lingers, dusk-enthroned, His scythe with dying starlight honed. She feels the pull of dust and doom, Yet rises ghostlike from the gloom; For sorrow forged her spirit’s seam— A waking echo in a dream. Around her, roses wilt to rust, Like whispered vows returned to dust; Yet still she watches, pale and wise, With Waterhouse-like haunted eyes. Though death stands cloaked in sable dread, And fate keeps vigil with the dead, She holds her heart against the night— A fragile flame, but fiercely bright. So let the Reaper pace and roam; Her courage makes the darkness home. For even in despair’s embrace, A broken soul may rise with grace.

2014

January 2014 01/02/14 Staking a stroll around the our neighborhood.

Inward Struggle

I recently enjoyed hearing this song for the first time on Xfactor a week, or so ago.  It affected me very deeply.  Probably in a way that it wasn’t written but I took it inward; an inward struggle that I’ve warred with for years now, not to mention intolerance for being healthy.  A battle so close that I’m still not sure if light will prevail.  I flip-flop so often with my multiple Gemini personalities, my natural white witch vs. my more powerful wicked witch.  My gentle and peaceful eternal soul vs. my darkness that would utterly destroy and come to an abrupt end.  

After slight tears and a few taps on the rewind button, I headed up to my sleeping husband and touched the expression lines on his peaceful face and thanked him for being my General in this battle.  We truly share the most pure and defend against the most evil. Most of the time I wish for a gray that the moon and exes could not sway. Thank you my husband and literal hero, for pushing me to stay strong and for teaching me all that I am worth.  Thank you my Jeremy.

Inward struggle

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I am feeling so small.

It was over my head

I know nothing at all.

I will stumble and fall.

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Original Music and Lyrics: “Say Something” by A Great Big World

Spoiled by Enayla

Into Your Eyes by Enayla

Dream-woman

My Wendy,

You are such an amazing woman.  I am such a fortunate man to have you in my life, let alone now as my dear, sweet wife.   You are my Venus, a goddess of perfect beauty.  Indeed, I am married to the most beautiful woman to have ever been born on this Earth and I would venture to say the universe... my Eve.

My soft and delicate rose.  So fragile and frail of health.  I am honored to be the man to care for and protect such an elect daughter of God.  I will stand as your paladin of protection; your mighty centurion watching over you and caring for you in your infirm body.  When the doctors told me to be prepared that I had lost you, I pleaded God trade my life for yours.  I don't know if there is something special in me that God has preserved you for my sake, as you believe, but He has truly blessed me with a gift.    And I will honor His kindness and do marvelous things because of you, which was perhaps His design.  That is because you, Wendy, my beloved Wendy, the way you make me feel; by your simple smile, I can accomplish and overcome anything!  When you smile, dear Wendy, I am put in such a state of euphoria that nothing in this sad, cruel world has any power over me.  I have accomplished much because of you, my inspiration, and will accomplish the world for you.  And I, in turn, shall give you the world.

Your smile, your eyes...  When I look into your eyes I can see you, the true Wendy that no one else sees or knows, but God.  My Wendy!  Words cannot possibly describe how happy you make me... how special you are.  You are my best friend; from before time.  We have been linked with a unique bond that is inexplicable.  You fill my heart to overflowing!  The love that we share... what few could possibly have realized such a love!  Together we have experienced what writers, poets, and painters have only attempted to capture in prose, verse and canvas... a perfect oneness of being which I dare not attempt to explain further, for the divine sacredness of such a miracle.

I am honored and grateful to be your man.  I am one of few men who can say they truly comprehend the fullness of Joseph's sentiment when he boldly declared he would go to Hell for Emma, because surely, Heaven without you, my Wendy, would truly be Hell, no matter how great.

I love you dream-woman!!!

Your man, your best friend, your husband, and lover,

Jeremy

Loss and Betrayal

It's been a mystery to me how a man that I didn't love could literally break my heart. But after the last year and a half of, first my children being stolen, and then a steady barrage of betrayals and loss of loved ones; I realized that I had been broken down so badly by abuse, that I had lost the love of myself. I worked very hard and very long at being a woman and mother that I finally loved and respected. My children, my Jeremy, and I will work very hard at putting back the pieces of what should have been to begin with.

For any readers out there...and for myself.

It Has To Be Said:
An unrepairable fracture resulted in what was a family of four is now two families of three. For my part, it's just me and my two precious children. I'm fighting to keep them close and to shelter them from harm. The continuing posts will be about our struggle to start over and the joy it brings to grow roots in our new home and blossom forth about the world.

I treated a man and his young son to a Costco meal this evening. They are down on their luck, as so many of us are, and it brought joy to my day to share a meal with them.

Driving from Sacramento back to Brentwood, a daily routine now. My eyes just won't stay open and I pull over and take a nap at a trusted stop. I wake up warm and alert, happy that my blanket is so warm and that I thought to bring a pillow yesterday morning. An hour and-a-half drive turns into three but the cool blanket of fog is welcoming just as long as I drive safe and sure. The moon is bright, encircled by two rings, the subtle rainbows whisper and welcome wondering if their beauty is noticed and appreciated. Yes, I'm thankful for the quiet beauty of my favorite lunar guiding light and only wonder for a moment what the double ring-rainbow must mean :-). The fog's gentle fingers release and I'm faced with a cool clear night and a vast, calm, river guiding me home.

I can’t believe how time fly’s. You hear it all the time when you’re younger and always wonder how the endless hours could possibly fly by but then one day in your late 20’s, you’re almost in your late 30’s and not sure at all how it happened. Beautiful children doing miraculous things and all.

Madelyn is officially a school age little girl and not just because she’s going to be a 1^st-grader all too soon. Everyday James and I laugh at her precious personality that’s bubbling to the surface as she collects little pieces of life and puts them on display as she “decorates”. She’s now taken to tearing pictures that she likes, out of magazines. I had totally forgotten that I had a whole binder of porcelain dolls, and pretty plates and things that I had taken out of magazines a long long time ago and it makes me smile to think about this precious little girl doing the same thing. She still has all her pretty baby teeth and I'm cheering for them to stay in as long as possible. I can't keep her a baby but her teeth are sure staying for now, yea!

Christopher went from standing to running and quickly to attacking his big sister faster than we can keep up with. We feel bad but it’s just too funny how our little Billy Boy pushes around Madelyn sometimes. She’ll do something to upset him and not too much later, we hear Madelyn crying because Critter has retaliated. He’s so little to have such a large personality, walking around and making himself heard. His vocalizations are hilarious. He's decided that he doesn't need to talk. Just an occasional oooOOOO, OhHH, or AhhhHH and an increasing number of screams. He pretty much has his own language of sound and we know exactly what he wants. Poor little guy has all of the rest (about 7) of his teeth coming in at the same time still. It seems like they’ve been peeking thru his gums forever.

Sorry, about my lame Christmas cards and lack of birthday wishes. I only got out about a third of the Christmas cards and those weren’t even finished. I’m not so good about keeping in touch lately but James and I exercised today so at least we’re crawling towards our goals. Sadly, Mario Bro. Wii is how I have most of my fun. It is special to play with Madelyn though. It’s fun to see the excitement in her face and to share that time with her. Wednesdays are our Lost night. After Christopher has gone to bed and James to school, we cuddle and watch it together. Madelyn is actually quite into it, which makes it that much more fun to watch. I’m bummed it’s the last season though.

Above: A beautiful day in Capitola at the beach. Christopher is soaking wet after being rolled up the beach by the waves. He loved it until he realized that he was FREEZING! A quick clothes change and he was a happy clam again. Thanks for coming Magz. It was awesome spending some time with you.
Madelyn enjoying one of the many fun trees at our duck pond. We enjoy hand feeding the ducks. A few times I've caught one so the kids could pet their pretty feathers. We're all looking forward to the spring-time ducklings that are so precious to watch.

Madelyn Loves Kindergarten

8/27/09

Madelyn is doing so great in Kindergarten. At first I was concerned about her starting at only 4 years old but she's loving it. She's by far thy youngest kid in her class but that doesn't stop her from telling her teacher(s) how to do their job. Crazy girl. Fortunately she has an awesome teacher that's understanding and the school is really great. Other than having to purchase snacks once a month and buy all the classroom supplies that schools used to pay for, we're really enjoying her school. I love it that they wear uniforms. Makes everything so much easier. Anywho, above are pictures of her first day of school. She was very specific on how she wanted her hair. For those of you who watched Avatar The Last Airbender, she wanted her hair a mix between the firebending princess and Kai Lan (a Mandarin Dora the Explorer). Personally I prefer the curls mom sent me to school in but to each her own. Putting her hair up in buns was much easier anyway. I put her hair up for picture day but it was pretty flat for the pictures.

10/2009

12/4/09

After a very long blogging absence, I finally got around to posting some pictures from our recent and not-so-recent adventures. Below: Labor Day Weekend '09.

Nice slobber Toph.

Around the house. Below: 10/22/09 Toph with his Oopsie Bear. There is his new 5th tooth. Course he's got 7 now (12/13).

Our New "Topher" Vaccum

As those of you who were at Great Grandpa & Grandma's in Kaysville, UT know, Christopher was only scooting himself into corners, under tables and couches. One day about a week and 1/2 ago, he decided that he was tired of being so limited, got up on his knees, and started crawling like he'd been doing it for months. He is now our best vacuum and, of course, mess maker at the same time. Madelyn is doing awesome in school and starts her new hours of 8-2:15 in the beginning of October. Whoa! Long hours for kindergarden but we like her school a lot so far. There are so many spanish speaking kids in her class that are taught in an EL class separately that the student to teacher ratio is really small. Good thing since Madelyn demands lots of attention and doesn't pay attention very well. She's inherited that, "I only talk, not listen" thing that I'm struggling to shake. We're all really looking forward to her birthday, which is proving to be rather large again. James starts school on Tuesday and will be done with all of his pre-requisites for PA school and he's just two recommendations away from finishing his tedious application for PA school. I hope his health gives way to his ambitions. So far he's winning the fight.

Settling In

I'll add some pictures when we get our new 1.5 TB external hard drive hooked up. My pictures are taking up all the memory on my computer so it's kinda hard to add more and edit them. We're quickly getting settled in our apartment in Sunnyvale and are really enjoying the area. It's nice to be so close to so many enjoyable activities plus we live right by the cutest duck pond. Our apartment complex is a wonderful little community all in itself and the weather has been wonderful. James' health seams to be getting better and better and I'm feeling much better as I'm adjusting to everything. The kids are both happy and healthy. Christopher got his first two teeth last week and isn't enjoying that much but it's just so cute. He just fell asleep in his jumper after about 45 min. of laughing and jumping. He loves that thing. Wish Madelyn had enjoyed one when she was little but never took to it. Madelyn and Christopher are still absolutely enthralled with each other and it's fun to see how they grow everyday. Madelyn starts 2 1/2 hour kindergarten in August and 5 hour kindergarten starting October. That'll be exciting and hard I'm sure. We're headed to mom and dad's on Friday for a BBQ and to San Francisco on the 4th. James' sister and niece are coming for a visit at the end of the month and we're all really excited for that.

Sunshine & Rain

We enjoyed our Valentine's dinner at Grandma & Grandpa Nielsen's house and I enjoyed helping mom and dad frosten the pretty heart cookies.  Madelyn mostly liked the butter, frosting, and sprinkles.  Madelyn had fun, as always, with her cousins Jack and Austin.  We sure will miss you guys when you go.  :-(  Usually very cheerful Christopher was all pouts until uncle Michael got big smiles and laughs out of him.  He answered and giggled at all of uncle Michael's questions too, so cute!

We've been getting some very good rainfall lately, which is good but not so good for outdoor play.  I think Madelyn is starting to go a little coo coo since we took her out of pre-school and it's been mostly just mom and dad since, like practically everyone I talk to, Madelyn and Christopher have had a bad cold/flu thing since the beginning of the month.

Yesterday James and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and my honey treated me to some excellent lobster that he bought just for me.  What a sweetie.  He sure does bend over backwards for me.  I love you too James!

We finally got lots of beautiful sunshine today so James took the kids for a very long walk.  Madelyn did so good on her new big-girl bike, even up and down all the big hills.  Christopher even calmed down for the walk and took a little nap, he sure does love to keep moving.  While his big sister is getting well over her cold, Christopher has been getting worse so we finally took him to the Dr today and were sent home with a nebulizer thingy but he sure does act like he's felt better after his first two treatments.  Hang in there little guy, we've missed your constant smiles.

Up To Date

Not much going on around here; just a few more pictures to show. James did well on his first test this semester and hopefully when he finishes this class it's only 2 more classes to go before Physician's Assistant school. Madelyn's out of preschool and is certainly stubborn when it comes time for James and I to teach and get her ready for kindergarten this July. Christopher is growing up so fast. He's a very happy good baby; only wakes up once a night to eat. His laughs are quiet but frequent and he sure talks to me a lot. I'm trying to get it on video but then he just get fascinated with the camera. Happy 8th Anniversary to James and I on the 17th!

01/18/09

01/27/09

02/06/09

Light really shows off the red in Christopher's hair. With his hair, blue eyes, and James' green shirt, he sure looks like an Irish baby, to me, in this picture...definitely gets that from his dad's side.

December 27, 2008

A VERY big day for our ever growing family. Christopher was blessed and later that evening we (minus the kidletts) enjoyed a wonderful celebration of my sister Amy's recent wedding. What a luxurious night out!

2008 Collins Family Picture

Rose Red in her pretty dress from Aunt Mimi and ruby slippers from Grammy Collins.

Taking care of and cuddling with her favorite little baby buddy.

Before Christopher's Blessing.